A-List Country Music Bar Fighting Team
Today we take a deep dive into who from the world of country music, including modern corn-fed singers to previous inmates, would make my bar fighting lineup. If I end up in a scrap in the local watering hole, these are the folks I’d want in my outfit:
- Billy Currington
You may be thinking - happy-go-lucky Billy Currington coming out on top in a bar brawl? To counter this line of thought, there’s two reasons our friend Billy is the last one standing. First, there’s a 95% chance that Billy just got done fishing. What does that mean for us? It infers that Billy is wearing his go-to pair of cargo shorts that aren’t so favorable in style but are a key accessory for Billy as he keeps his favorite pocket knife in the right leg of his shorts so he can cut some line when need be. Secondly, Billy is tired of the nonsense stirring up at his favorite drinking spot, so he takes matters into his own hands to end the child's play in a hurry. This way, Billy can get back to what's really important.
- Miranda Lambert
A girl? If you thought this, you’re already on the floor unconscious - Miranda doesn’t like sexists and she wants equal rights on all ends of the spectrum. Miranda’s an old-school woman that grew up with three older brothers who picked on her while she walked to school five miles uphill each way. Don’t fact check that. Just take my word. Lastly, I’m pretty sure Lambert is a French surname that means “Give me your lunch money”. She’s also divorced, that has to count for something.
- Luke Combs
I don’t have a lot of words for the guy who only owns one shirt and one pair of jeans and currently stands atop the country music pedestal in popularity. That being said, Luke drinks a lot of beer. Conclusion: false confidence ensues. Side note - Luke looks like he can take many consecutive punches without knowing he’s being touched. I’ll take the big guy on my side of the aisle.
- Sturgill Simpson
Sturgill is his name. Sturgill was in the military. Sturgill worked on the railroad. Sturgill has a continuous rivalry with the wannabe goliaths controlling the country music radio narrative. Sturgill has a chip on his shoulder. Sturgill doesn’t care about your face.
- Waylon Jennings
If you don’t know anything about Waylon Jennings, shame on you. You have homework tonight. That being said, all you need to know about Waylon for this piece is that Waylon used to spend $1,500 a day on nose candy, and he once stayed up for nine days and nights without seeing a second of shut-eye. I’m starting a new rumor today that Waylon once took down four armed men at once with his bare knuckles. Disprove that - I don’t think you can.
I know what you’re thinking, Luke fucking Bryan? But hear me out. Have you ever been to a LB show? Have you ever watched him perform? He’s a proven serial hip shaker and pelvic hip thruster from way back. With Luke dodging incoming blows from the opposition with those hip swings, fatigue and frustration sets in and opens the door for a finishing roundhouse kick to the jaw. For now, Luke is benched because we’re not sure if he can complete a successful roundhouse kick considering the potential restriction from his jeans. If Luke buys a pair of stretchy pants, he’ll make a starting lineup bid.
The Hag was in San Quentin prison when the man in black came to perform. Merle went to jail at least 4 times and spent a considerable amount of time covering Jimmy Rogers songs. I can only assume he spent so much time in the bucket because every time he got out, the female population wouldn’t leave him alone, making jail his only safe haven.
Any artist who makes their first single to country radio titled “Redneck Crazy” is someone you might want to think about calling when you’re in desperate need. Tyler is on the reserves list, however, because one day, you all of a sudden realize the song you’ve been singing over and over with no hesitation, may be kind of stalker-ish and restraining order worthy.
“Gonna aim my headlights into your bedroom windows, throw empty beer cans at both of your shadows; I didn’t come here to start a fight but I’m up for anything tonight”
Still, we all may need a Tyler Farr in sticky situations.
Good 'ol Arkansas boy, Justin Moore, is no stranger to singing' about jackin jaws and enjoying it. Just refer back to his 2008 song 'I Could Kick Your Ass' and I think the title says enough. Unfortunately, he doesn't make the starting lineup because I think we may need someone taller than 5'7. Sorry, Justin.
It's not just the fact that Koe Wetzel looks like he could be a starting linebacker for a football league sponsored by Budweiser instead of gatorade, he's literally seen dumping a body into the lake while smoking a black and mild in his 'Sundy Or Mundy' music video. Plus, I'm sure he'd have my back if I promised to take him to Taco Bell after.